


Capture the Flag

by CaffieneKitty



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blasphemy, Frenemies, Gen, Gods, Heaven's Civil War, I Don't Even Know, Post-Season/Series 06, Silly, Strategy & Tactics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 07:06:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2499008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffieneKitty/pseuds/CaffieneKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting to the top often means you make a better target.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Capture the Flag

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this ages ago in one big gush right after the Season 6 finale. I don't know why I never posted it. Maybe I was thinking of going somewhere with it, but I have no idea now. Obviously, things went very differently in show, but since I found it pretty much complete as is (even though it's mostly Castiel and Crowley talking), I'm going to post it now anyway as a post season 6 AU *handwave* thingy, where monster souls and Leviathan didn't drive Castiel quite as nuts, etc. and there were different problems to deal with.

Castiel appeared before the Throne of Heaven with a clap of thunder. A cherub in casual business attire jumped and squeaked.

"I am your new God, and you shall bow down to me," Castiel intoned.

"Um. 'Kay?" said the cherub. "...Where's Raphael?"

"She would not bow down. She no longer exists."

The cherub blinked. "Oh."

"You will bow down to me."

"Umm.... Okay, sure, fine, but what about the rest of it?"

"What 'rest of it'?"

"Well," a clipboard and pen appeared in the cherub's hands, and she flipped through the pages. "The Prayer voicemail is backed up like whoa, there's evil things happening to good people on every single continent, and Hell is-"

A displacement of scorching air interrupted her. "Hell is what, luvvie?"

"Crowley." Castiel growled. "You are not welcome in My Domain."

"I'd like to see you try and stop me, sunshine." Smirking, Crowley examined his nails, picking something best left unidentified out from under one of them. "But not just now. We need to talk deal."

"No. I will not deal with you anymore. I cast you-"

Crowley held up the hand he'd been grooming. "No, Cas darling, really. You want to at least hear the terms."

The cherub cleared her throat.

"What?" Castiel said over his shoulder, not taking his eyes off Crowley.

The cherub stepped into Castiel's peripheral vision, but stayed far away from Crowley. "Hate to say it Boss, but whatever this guy offers might give away some information on his plans. It'd be tactically smart to at least hear them, even with no intention of making a Deal."

Castiel cast half a glance toward her. "Who are you, exactly?"

The cherub beamed. "Whimsy! Admin cherub second class."

"And whose side were you on in the war?"

"...no one's? I, uh, come with the Office." The Cherub jerked her thumb back towards the Throne.

"Fine. Go be somewhere else."

"Whistle if you need anything!" She disappeared in a flutter of clipboard pages.

Castiel turned back to the new-crowned king of Hell and sighed. "What do you want, Crowley?"

"I want the status quo. For now." Crowley sauntered closer to the Holy Dias, looking up at the Seat of Heaven. "I want you up here, me down there, the humans and riff-raff in the middle."

Castiel frowned. "...I do not see how this is a deal."

"Thing is, you've just in essence tipped Heaven's hand." Crowley casually reclined on one of the steps to the Throne, under Castiel's suspicious eye. "See until now, God has been in power just not loud about it."

"God has been-"

"I know, you know, and the upper echelon of angels knew. But the hoi polloi didn't, and were happy to keep assuming You Know Who was in his Heaven and all was right with the world or whatever." Crowley waved an uncaring hand. "But now everyone with an eye on this place knows. The old God's gone. Either long ago, or you just usurped Him."

Castiel looked away from the Throne. "I wouldn't say usurped."

Crowley smiled indulgently. "Of course you wouldn't, duckie. Thing is, one way or another you're now the new kid in town. Your power structure hasn't stabilised yet. You've destroyed more of Raphael's command structure than you've taken control of, and the inner circle's dead or fled. I even had a squadron of you feathery farts show up trying to re-release Lucifer yesterday. Word is spreading. You're the King of the Hill and everyone's coming for a chance to take you down."

"Like you." Castiel's fists clenched.

"Don't you _listen?_ I want the status quo. I want you in Heaven, me in Hell, for now, and et cetera, et cetera." Crowley smirked. "Heaven, Hell, it all balances so nicely. We have our little spats and eventually of course my lot will all rise up and re-take Heaven-"

"Whimsy, mobilize-!"

"-But not right now!" Crowley held up both hands to forestall the suddenly re-appearing Whimsy and her clipboard.

Castiel waved off the administrative cherub. Whimsy clutched her clipboard and stood back quietly.

"Right now," Crowley continued, "you need to stop _Them_ , and you're going to need any help you can find."

"Them?"

"The other gods," Crowley clarified.

Castiel frowned. "Thou shalt not have-"

"Spare me." Crowley rolled his eyes. "Also, you're plagiarising. Write your own Holy Book, new boy."

Castiel sniffed. "I am God. There is no threat to my power."

"You are a half-fallen angel stuffed to bursting with monster souls who has no real allies. You have no idea what's coming after you. Or rather who."

"Who?"

"For a start, there's Kali. She is quite vexed that Lucifer inconvenienced her and her fellow deities not too long ago."

"I have more souls than Kali."

Crowley smirked. "Sorry, sunshine. No. And that's even before the rest of them join in."

"The rest of them?"

"Loki. The real Loki. Who is also annoyed that your brother was prancing around in his tights. Raven and Coyote are thinking of joining him, and I really mean _joining_ , along with every other avatar of similar inclination. A single great Trickster, as if that hasn't been the truth all along."

"I can handle any Trickster."

Crowley smacked himself in the forehead and growled. "You still aren't listening! Baron Samedi's children are rising, Quetzalcoatl's been preening her feathers. Ogmios, Neptune, Sedna, even Ra's been making noise lately, or did you think that solar flare was just a star belching? Name any god, deity, demi-god, or spirit humanity has ever named. Even ones who haven't had a single soul truly believe in them for millennia. They're all listening to Kali. If they can set aside their differences and combine their soul assets, they can swat you aside as an afterthought, and this lovely two-party system we've had for millennia gets swept aside with it."

Frowning, Castiel looked up at the Throne.

"And more than just them," Crowley continued. "The Fae are moving. And there are things that have been sleeping since Death was young that are starting to wake now. All of them see you wobbling on top of your hill of souls and they're licking their chops."

Castiel drew himself up straighter. "They wouldn't dare. I am God."

"YOU ARE NOT GOD!" Crowley bellowed. "You are a feather-brained idiot waddling around after an all-you-can-eat monster soul buffet! Even with the power that gives you, you've destabilised the command structure of Heaven to the point that _there is no chain of command_. Fine, you're in charge. You have no one to delegate to that you can trust not to leave the back gate unlocked."

Castiel side-eyed Whimsy, who shrugged. He turned back to Crowley, still sitting on the steps to the Throne. "And you are saying I should trust you?"

"No. No more than I trust you. I'm just saying you need to stop waving your 'Godhood' around and get ready to do something with it. What I offer is this: I'll set aside my plans against you and vice versa until this is dealt with. If it's dealt with."

"By your own words, this would be an ideal time for you to attempt to overtake Heaven, why-"

"Because I'm not a moron like some entities I happen to be shouting at! If I take over now, it solves nothing. Power is still destabilised, the other deities are still pissed, net result, loss of status quo." Crowley stood up and dusted his hands on his trousers. "Besides, Hades, Ah Puch and a styxload of Valkyries are heading my way. You aren't the only one with a recently destabilised power structure."

Castiel glowered at Crowley. "I will not make a Deal with you."

Crowley sighed. "Of course you won't, Feathers. You're in the Big Boy chair now; you'll do what you want. Just know that you've got a lot more to worry about than me coming for you." With that, the new King of Hell disappeared.

"Um," said Whimsy. "Uh. So. What do you want to do first, Boss?"

Castiel continued glaring at the section of empty space Crowley had inhabited. "First, patch whatever hole he crawled in through. Then..."

Whimsy blinked and held her clipboard and pen poised for action.

Sighing a half-snarl, Castiel continued. "...then find out if Crowley's right about what's coming."

-.-.-  
(that's all)


End file.
